Untitled Confusion

I think it's safe to say that all of us go through confusing times or seasons. It's true, all humans have a point when they sit back and think to themselves, "What is happening with my life?" I think I'm in this season. Normally though, when I am in a season like this I can look to others for advice and/or guidance. What's really difficult is when the people around you shrug and say, "I don't understand it either, kid." It's frustrating and it takes a great amount of diligent seeking. Unfortunately, patience and diligent seeking aren't my strongest points in life. I'm trying really hard, but I feel like every time I reach a small point of breakthrough, something absolutely ridiculous happens.

I also think it's beyond safe to say that the ridiculousness that has become my life has gone on for far too long now. I think it's time to take control, you know? I don't mean take control in the non-christian way (which means...taking control and not "letting go & letting God") but more so in the "God has given me a brain, a voice and a purpose.. it's time to put it to good use!" kind of way. Today opened up my eyes more than almost any other day of my life. Perhaps it was because it was the end of a huge chapter it my life or perhaps because it wasn't when I prayed it would be. I can't exactly explain all of that right now, I just know that God is going to really have to lay this one out for me because I am stumbling around all over the place.

You know what strikes me as odd about my life? I can run and run fast from things that I don't want to face or deal with. I think what's crazy is that normally, God lets me get away with it. Unfortunately and for whatever reason, God does not seem to be letting me run anymore and honestly, I'm a little frustrated about it. If ever there was a time to let me run, I would most certainly think it would be now. I guess my thoughts and God's thoughts are just even more distant than I realized. I keep thinking about this day last summer. I was in Mooresville at a precious friends house and I remember undergoing this crazy break down and if I recall, that's when all of this began. It's like that breakdown was the first in this series of well, whatever this is. It was like for some reason that was the start, I don't know what was unleashed or unbound during that trip...but something happened. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I am at a complete loss and not understanding life or anything about it today.

What am I learning from all of this? Live. There's no way to change what's happened, but you can do something about what is happening right now. Love. Whatever you decide to do, however you decide to "take control", do it in love. I have seen that it truly can move mountains. Laugh. Laugh when all is seriously going to crap and you can't believe what you're seeing with your own eyes. Somehow, you must choose to believe that God sees it and has a plan, even if it seems insane and impossible.