Everything Changes.

Things are really changing in my life right now. It's all good though. It didn't seem that way at first... it didn't seem good at all. I guess it's so true that God's ways are so much higher and truly so much better than mine. I know that God is doing something crazy and he's definitely changing a lot on the inside of me..as well as outside in the world around me.

That's pretty much all I know to say about it. Keep me in your prayers :)

Love!

We're home.... it was overall a good experience. I still haven't made a decision. there is too much to consider right now.

tomorrow.. I work and then i'm leaving to go see Jordan. I don't know when I'm coming back here. I may stay as long as possible. I can't be here anymore, at least right now.

I won't say anymore...my words apparently aren't what need to be heard right now. I'll leave you with the words of someone way better than me.

"...In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."-john 16:33

an update for those who love me :)

For the record--I went to bed at 8 pm last night and woke up at 5:30 am. I think my sleep habits are turning into a complete opposite, which is totally okay with me.

Guess what tomorrow is? College roadtrip day! Mom, Dad and myself are all taking a drive to Wilson, NC to check out Barton College. I've been looking at Barton since my freshman year in High School. I can't believe the time has almost come to make a decision and start getting everything compared. I can't believe how fast it all went by. It's one of the three colleges I applied to and so it's definitely in the running. I've obviously been to both Gardner-Webb and Montreat (to visit my two best friends) and I love them both. Despite how AWESOME it would be to be around my amazing sister and cousin...there's also an appeal to embarking on a completely different journey and going off on my own. Tomorrow is really going to make or break some big decisions.

Back when I was considering leaving for school in the spring... Barton went out of the running.. just because I didn't have time to visit and I didn't want to go somewhere I had never even seen. Maybe this is God's way of getting me there...postponing my college wishes so that I could most definitely be at the right one. BUT perhaps Barton isn't the place for me? I guess that's what I'm planning to find out tomorrow and wednesday! I'm excited, nervous, and super glad to get out of town for a few days. This girl needs a breather and some time to back away and get some perspective on a lot of things.

SO.. Maybe I'll get there and LOVE it and say "YES, YES! This IS the place for me!!!" Or maybe I'll get there and be like "ehh.. nah, this isn't it" I don't know.... but I will keep you all updated and let you know how the trip goes. I'll try to take some pictures and show off the fun trip we're going to have ;)

Other than that... not much else is going on. Work is coming to a slow end and it's a bittersweet thing. While I'll be glad to have my Mondays and Thursdays back.. it will be heartbreaking to leave my kids...truly heartbreaking. They've really taught me so much. They've taught me more about love in these last few months than I could've ever imagined. They've taught me about a lot of things.. I think it's safe to say they've taught me more than I have taught them.

ALSO! Pray for a purchase that I am attempting to make within the next couple of weeks. It's steep and will weigh heavily on my bank account..so just pray that God sends me the right deal! I love you all so much!

P.S. I saw Leap Year for the second time. It's such an awesome movie! (Definitely one I'm planning to purchase when it releases on DVD!) If you haven't seen it..make sure to rent it when it comes out!

not cool.

I would just like to vent.... I lost an ebay bidding war

and in the process of losing.. i missed ac360! tonight was the 1 month anniversary special and i missed it! i fall asleep to anderson cooper every night ..what am i to do now that he is not there to be the last thing i see before i sleep. how will i sleep now?

such is the luck of my life.

10:5 Looks like this glass is 1/2 Empty.

I'd like to list the 10 most frustrating things to happen to me this week.

10) I missed half of my tv show today because the dog was barking. Someone was at my house talking about "homely" looking people and yelling Boo Boo in my face. Mmm..fun.

9) That every time I agree to give my tutor kids a sticker..they unroll the entire thing. You would think after a month they would notice the stickers go in a pattern, the whole roll is the same!

8) McDonalds down sized their small frappe's. They're smaller than they were at first, not to mention now they stuff the whipped creme down in there and stick one of those nasty plastic lids on top. The whipped cream then get's stuck to the lid and I get to eat none of it. Stupid recession.

7) I have watched every movie in my house and have nothing left to watch. I can't go rent from the video store because I've seen everything there too...not to mention my late fees because I was snowed in. They are going to take those off... i'm going to demand it.

6) My lips are beyond chapped. Worse than my nose. My lips and my nose are chapped. That in itself is enough to ruin anyone's day. It doesn't matter how much I bathe these things in beeswax and blistex it doesn't work. Talk about a waste of $1.25. (I could add that $1.25 to what I paid for my McD's Frappe and go to starbucks..where they give you a dome lid that doesn't smoosh your creme!"

5) I am waiting on my computer to turn off..it's been a few hours and I'm sure it's getting close to overheating. I kinda hope it blows up one day.

4) I watched a demonic lifetime movie. I seriously was sweating bullets and completely stiff as a board unable to move. I've figured out that's what happens to me when I watch a scary movie.. I literally, physically CANNOT move. Thank God for commercials. I finally turned it.

3) I forgot to order the new Emma on DVD. So i'm going to do that now... UGH I could've had it by today if I would've remembered. Mr. Knightley, "it's a quarter 'til 11, I'm all alone and I need you now."

2) I couldn't go see Jordan because it was going to "snow" ...OH MAN..let me tell you about that big snow. can't get out the blessed door. (insert sarcasm)

1) I'm sick..and I mean it's disgusting. My nose is leaking GREEN stuff. I know that's disgusting and TMI, but I just wanted to put that out there into cyberspace. In the event that I leak too much of it and my life comes to it's end.. I wanted you all to know.. it's GREEN. Lime Green. like mushed up pea Gerber baby food!!!! I can barely speak (i'm super hoarse) and like I said previously my nose is chapped. I also ruined a perfectly good towel. I'm not going to give you the gory details on that one...even a stomach of steel couldn't deal with it. OH and apparently it's okay for the rest of the world to get sick.. but the ONE time I do..you better believe it's not okay with the world. Sigh.

Then 5 good things about this week....

5) I'm about to eat McDonalds.. I told my Dad to get me a crispy ranch snack wrap. He tried to repeat it back to me saying "a crisky ranch nack shrapped." Like always, I had to write it down for him... but that's no surprise considering he is the son of the woman who renamed Sonic's "Wacky Pack" kid's meal ....the "Smacky Burger"

4) My dog has felt oddly affectionate toward me lately. At first, I thought she was trying to voluntarily give me kisses.. but now I think it's my vitamin c cough drops and she's trying to eat them out of my mouth. Cute.

3) Everyone's having babies. It makes me kind of jealous.. but it also makes me happy. New life is coming to this Earth.. Lord knows we need to raise up some kids with some sense.

2) God revealed to me something really really cool about my name. It was super exciting

1) My mother actually quoted something I said to her earlier today and said "it's like ashlin said............" it was a great compliment. I almost teared up a little bit ;)

10:5.. I know that's pretty pitiful. But I'm just a better pessimist than optimist. If you don't like it...take it up with my mother, father and sister... somehow we all got it :-P!

signing out,

love you all!

When Justice is Served.....

If you had been with me today...you wouldn't have noticed any thing out of the ordinary happening in my life. I woke up, talked to my parents, took a shower, went to lunch, came home, sat here, went to mcdonalds, and came home. It was all pretty basic. Then again, it was far from basic.

Justice. If you know me, you know I'm all about justice. Sometimes I think it's just an innate thing with me. Sometimes I will shout speeches of justice without even realizing I've opened my mouth. There are days when I truly almost think it's beyond my control. Then again sometimes I want justice for myself. I remember people who have hurt me in the past and in my heart and sometimes in my word I lift my fist and shout to the heavens "WHERE IS YOUR JUSTICE GOD?" He doesn't usually respond when I shout this and it makes me angry. I slam my fists onto my dashboard and yell. He watches patiently, quietly, compassionately. He knows that I do not understand the things that he does.

Today, I read something surprising. It seems that in a small way my definition of "justice" had been served. Finally, one of the people who had really hurt me in my life was facing a terrible hardship. But instead of rejoicing. I sat in turmoil. I sat in heart ache. I sat in grief. I didn't laugh with joy or shout chants of victory. It could only muffle out small whispers of "God, have mercy." The words shocked me. I couldn't believe what I was hearing myself say. I'd always thought, "one day...they'll get what's coming to them! they'll be sorry! and i hope i'm there to see it." Today, I realize what horrible words I have spoken. I realized that somewhere along the way, something changed.

Today for me, wasn't about justice. Today wasn't about victory for Ashlin. Today was about compassion. Today was about mercy. Oh, if only I had understood then what I know now. If only I'd understood the importance of mercy. It would've saved me heart ache. It would have saved me grief. All those months of anger at God and wondering "WHY? WHY AREN'T YOU DOING SOMETHING? WHERE IS YOUR JUSTICE?" If only I had known that God was there, in all his majesty, in all his truth, in all his glory. He knew then that I'd be praying today "God, have mercy." Because today, my hurts didn't matter, my tears weren't important. Today, I realized that my hard times were a blessing. Every little second of pain they put me through only brought me closer to him. They brought me to the point of being able to say "God, have mercy" and truly mean it. They did me a favor. Every night of anguish and agony. Every time I looked at the faces of those I loved who had been hurt and wept. Those were the nights he was closest to me. Those were the nights he taught me who he was and told me who I'm to be.

God, have mercy on the people who did me an injustice. For you have already brought justice out of it. Your justice was served through cultivating a beautiful and sweet relationship with me..out of heart break and sorrow. Justice was served on the lonely nights you held me. You made something broken into something beautiful. Such was my justice. Such was my sweet reward.

Psalm 119:145
I call out at the top of my lungs, "God! Answer! I'll do whatever you say." I called to you, "Save me so I can carry out all your instructions." I was up before sunrise, crying for help, hoping for a word from you. I stayed awake all night, prayerfully pondering your promise. In your love, listen to me; in your justice, God, keep me alive. As those out to get me come closer and closer, they go farther and farther from the truth you reveal; But you're the closest of all to me, God, and all your judgments true. I've known all along from the evidence of your words that you meant them to last forever.

inspiration

I have this crazy love for going and reading old things I've written. Like really old... years old. I am so totally fascinated by the things I've written. I can't believe where my brain was sometimes. Sometimes, I wrote things that were just ridiculous. Then again, sometimes I wrote things that hit me to the core on this very day. I had a certain fearless attitude in my writing and in my actions that I somewhat feel i've lost. I used to write everything with this passion and inspiration that I've lost. I've lost my passion to write..and I mean truly write. Not just give little updates here and there... but to express the inner thoughts of my heart. It's funny...because I used to think that my passion for writing or my talent or whatever it was came from my intelligence or whatever. Now, I know it came from LIFE. There was a time in my life where I was so afraid to say anything out loud, that I wrote it all down. Everything I was thinking, completely unscripted. It was just the truth and nothing but it. Now, I feel like I primp and doctor it up to make it sound "acceptable" it's not raw anymore and sometimes I hate it. Don't get me wrong--i'm not asking to go back and relive the things i've been through. (even though i somewhat already feel like i am) I guess I just want that inspiration to come back.

It's 3 am. Surprise. It's like I have my nights and days mixed up. Somehow, I always have. It's just the way I am. I guess I'm writing all of this to say... I need a time of recoup. To find some inspiration in life.

movies, movies, movies!

Hey Hey! I'm watching She's the Man right now and I'm laughing my guts out. This is one of my all time favorite movies! How could you not love Amanda Bynes? She's HYSTERICAL. I'm at the part where the headmaster accuses her of having male patterned baldness. I love it!

As for me...today has been pretty quiet. A lot is going on, but internally things have just been very quiet and well, that's pretty rare. Normally, I have 10 million thoughts running through my head and I'm usually trying to talk myself out of the next stupid thing I'm planning to do.

So I was watching this movie last night and the main character, who is female, drops her papers in front of her office as she is rushing to get into work because she is late. Typical occurrence in movies, am I right? So, when she drops this mountain of papers and starts fluttering around like a mad woman.. I yell at the television "GIVE IT 5 SECONDS....THERE'S A GUY COMING!" Sure enough, less than five seconds and this gorgeous man is at her side helping her to gather her sidewalk litter. I immediately sat up and threw my arms in the air and said "I'm going to try this one day."

Well, I haven't gotten my chance to test this theory yet, but I did have my curtains go tumbling down like London bridge on top of me. Of course, there was no strong man at my side to pick them up. He wasn't there the first time they fell, or the second time, or the third. Then, I just gave up and threw them in the chair and concluded that movies lie!!!!!

Now it's almost 2 a.m. and I'm not very sleepy...figures, right? I guess I'm going to finish my movie and grab the jar of peanut butter and a spoon and dig in! This was a random post and it doesn't really benefit anyone to read it... but oh well! You know you love me.

Ashlin

snow storm summary

so..what a crazy snow storm we had, huh? I thought I was going to be spending the majority of it stuck in my house with nothing to do. Instead, my uncle and cousins came to get me and I spent the weekend with my aunt, uncle, two cousins, two dogs and two birds. It was quite eventful and full of potato soup. We laughed, watched Amelia, ate, laughed some more, ate, watched the Grammy's, ate, slept, and ate. It was a nice little vacation away! While I had a splendid time, it was also nice to come home today and see my parents. Believe it or not--sometimes i miss them. :)

Jordan was supposed to come home this weekend, but the snow storm prevented it! It was sad news to receive that she wouldn't be coming home! Hopefully she will be able to come soon though! Miss you Jords! So while the snow storm made me mad in that way... it also made me rejoice because I didn't have to work. Go snow!

Now, i'm just sitting in my bed, full on spaghetti and contemplating whether or not to clean my room. I know I will. I just have to motivate myself. Then after my room is clean, i'm going to take a wonderful shower and hunker down and flip on some amazing monday night television. I love Mondays.

Hope you've all enjoyed the snow! :)