When Justice is Served.....

If you had been with me today...you wouldn't have noticed any thing out of the ordinary happening in my life. I woke up, talked to my parents, took a shower, went to lunch, came home, sat here, went to mcdonalds, and came home. It was all pretty basic. Then again, it was far from basic.

Justice. If you know me, you know I'm all about justice. Sometimes I think it's just an innate thing with me. Sometimes I will shout speeches of justice without even realizing I've opened my mouth. There are days when I truly almost think it's beyond my control. Then again sometimes I want justice for myself. I remember people who have hurt me in the past and in my heart and sometimes in my word I lift my fist and shout to the heavens "WHERE IS YOUR JUSTICE GOD?" He doesn't usually respond when I shout this and it makes me angry. I slam my fists onto my dashboard and yell. He watches patiently, quietly, compassionately. He knows that I do not understand the things that he does.

Today, I read something surprising. It seems that in a small way my definition of "justice" had been served. Finally, one of the people who had really hurt me in my life was facing a terrible hardship. But instead of rejoicing. I sat in turmoil. I sat in heart ache. I sat in grief. I didn't laugh with joy or shout chants of victory. It could only muffle out small whispers of "God, have mercy." The words shocked me. I couldn't believe what I was hearing myself say. I'd always thought, "one day...they'll get what's coming to them! they'll be sorry! and i hope i'm there to see it." Today, I realize what horrible words I have spoken. I realized that somewhere along the way, something changed.

Today for me, wasn't about justice. Today wasn't about victory for Ashlin. Today was about compassion. Today was about mercy. Oh, if only I had understood then what I know now. If only I'd understood the importance of mercy. It would've saved me heart ache. It would have saved me grief. All those months of anger at God and wondering "WHY? WHY AREN'T YOU DOING SOMETHING? WHERE IS YOUR JUSTICE?" If only I had known that God was there, in all his majesty, in all his truth, in all his glory. He knew then that I'd be praying today "God, have mercy." Because today, my hurts didn't matter, my tears weren't important. Today, I realized that my hard times were a blessing. Every little second of pain they put me through only brought me closer to him. They brought me to the point of being able to say "God, have mercy" and truly mean it. They did me a favor. Every night of anguish and agony. Every time I looked at the faces of those I loved who had been hurt and wept. Those were the nights he was closest to me. Those were the nights he taught me who he was and told me who I'm to be.

God, have mercy on the people who did me an injustice. For you have already brought justice out of it. Your justice was served through cultivating a beautiful and sweet relationship with me..out of heart break and sorrow. Justice was served on the lonely nights you held me. You made something broken into something beautiful. Such was my justice. Such was my sweet reward.

Psalm 119:145
I call out at the top of my lungs, "God! Answer! I'll do whatever you say." I called to you, "Save me so I can carry out all your instructions." I was up before sunrise, crying for help, hoping for a word from you. I stayed awake all night, prayerfully pondering your promise. In your love, listen to me; in your justice, God, keep me alive. As those out to get me come closer and closer, they go farther and farther from the truth you reveal; But you're the closest of all to me, God, and all your judgments true. I've known all along from the evidence of your words that you meant them to last forever.