inspiration

I have this crazy love for going and reading old things I've written. Like really old... years old. I am so totally fascinated by the things I've written. I can't believe where my brain was sometimes. Sometimes, I wrote things that were just ridiculous. Then again, sometimes I wrote things that hit me to the core on this very day. I had a certain fearless attitude in my writing and in my actions that I somewhat feel i've lost. I used to write everything with this passion and inspiration that I've lost. I've lost my passion to write..and I mean truly write. Not just give little updates here and there... but to express the inner thoughts of my heart. It's funny...because I used to think that my passion for writing or my talent or whatever it was came from my intelligence or whatever. Now, I know it came from LIFE. There was a time in my life where I was so afraid to say anything out loud, that I wrote it all down. Everything I was thinking, completely unscripted. It was just the truth and nothing but it. Now, I feel like I primp and doctor it up to make it sound "acceptable" it's not raw anymore and sometimes I hate it. Don't get me wrong--i'm not asking to go back and relive the things i've been through. (even though i somewhat already feel like i am) I guess I just want that inspiration to come back.

It's 3 am. Surprise. It's like I have my nights and days mixed up. Somehow, I always have. It's just the way I am. I guess I'm writing all of this to say... I need a time of recoup. To find some inspiration in life.