i've been praying for this.

I love pictures. I have always been somewhat fascinated with them; how they freeze a moment in time and you can truly keep it forever. Yet, I have always been somewhat disappointed that no matter how wonderful a picture or how talented the photographer, a picture never captures perfectly what our eyes see. I see a camera as almost a counterfeit of what God has made. Don't get me wrong, I love pictures, I will continue to take them and I think they can 100% bring glory to God. I think what I'm saying though is that God made our eyes to take in some of the most beautiful things, they are perfect lenses..and he made our memory to keep those images with us always. A camera, is just the same thing. Except unfortunately, the lenses never quite measures up to the ones God has made and they never see the object of it's focus as beautiful as someone looking at it with only their eyes. Today was one of the most beautiful days and I am convinced that no matter the photographer they could've never captured it perfectly. Camera lenses will just never compare to our eyes that God has made. Not only that, they cannot capture our feelings perfectly either. While you can get an emotion from looking at a photograph (which is one of my fav. things about them) you can not feel all that they originally contained, because you are no longer in that moment...or for an onlooker, they were never in that moment.

I am not sure what made me think of this today..but it's been on my mind. That this season of my life, no one can quite capture or wrap their mind around it. It's something that I can't explain in words, art, music, pictures.. it's just beyond all of that. It is glorious, yet it is heart wrenching, it is familiar and somehow completely new. It is everything I said I never wanted, but secretly I've been desperate for it for such a long time. I am ready for whatever God is about to do. I'm so ready.

should've been much further than this by now..a little bit more gone, a little less twisted around.

There may be many reasons for me being a dreamer. One of them being that it is one of the meanings of my name. Or it could be all the ridiculous Disney movies I was forced to watch as a child. I always picked the realistic ones.. 101 Dalmations, Lion King..those were my favorites. Completely realistic (well..mostly) and then of course my sister and cousin would pick the ones like Alice in Wonderland, Peter Pan, Cinderella...the completely ridiculous and irrational ones. As much as I HATED them, they made me watch them. Now perhaps they are to blame for my being a dreamer. Most of the time it doesn't come up and cause a problem. Here recently I think it is to blame for a lot of the things I've been dealing with. Don't get me wrong...dreams can be a wonderful thing. They give us hope and something to look forward to. The only problem is when our dreams become completely unrealistic. I think perhaps that has become my problem. Rather than sticking with the realistic dreams I had as a child and my logical thoughts.. I decided to go out on a limb and come up with dreams that honestly make no sense for my life. I don't know what has happened to me.. I don't know where my logic went. Some people would encourage completely irrational dreams..and in some cases, that's okay. But when it comes to lifelong decisions...you cannot completely abandon rational thinking..can you? I don't really know what's provoking me to write this.. but I guess I'm just starting to realize that maybe everything i've worked for up until this point..has been for all the wrong reasons and for the purpose of accomplishing some COMPLETELY irrational and illogical dreams. Perhaps it's time to move forward with a clear mind and get my head back where it needs to be. Does this make my decisions any EASIER? No, not at all. But does it point out the consequences that will inevitably follow if I choose an irrational one...yes, somewhat. So, I still have not come to any conclusions, but I'm starting to rule out some of the choices..so i'm getting closer.

love.

Terrible Tuesdays

Tuesdays are always super dramatic for me. They normally start off pretty good with the girls accountability breakfast group. Of course, it's always after that when the devil decides to attack me. Fall is my favorite season, but always the hardest. Driving down the roads that are covered with leaves and listening to Taylor Swift's first cd on a Tuesday morning is NEVER a good idea for me. Yet, somehow that is where I found myself today. I finally came to my senses and said "Ash, you are being ridiculous! You really are." Then of course, I come home and come face to face with some of the most aggravating things in the world. I hate when this happens. I always think I'm getting past things and then of course Tuesday morning comes and I find that it is just not so. So now I have a choice to make...how to spend the rest of my day. I have yet to figure it out, but I'm going to make today count for something. It's not going to be just one of "those" Tuesdays..that end in misery and leave me praying that somehow next week I will miraculously be able to skip Tuesday all together. Be expecting a blog that tells about how this turned out to be an AMAZING Tuesday. Just wait.

5 am is not so fantastic.

Goodmorning! If you are reading this and you've seen the time stamp you are probably thinking..."ASHLIN IS UP AT 5 AM?? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?" Ahh..yes, this is not normal. My sleep patterns are SOO messed up. I went to sleep at like 11:45. Got up at like 3:30 and was wide awake, now I cannot go back to sleep for ANYTHING.

I'm just sitting in my bed right now, listening to some country music (oh yes), and thinking about the events of today and all the things I need to get done. Transcripts for one. Oil change (IS A MUST). Figuring out WHERE exactly I'm going to apply...and about a million other things. These next couple of days are going to be INSANE, so i'm going to need some serious prayer!

Pray also for my sleep habits. They need some SERIOUS help.

Love, Ashlin

scattered thoughts

It's finally October!! I am not one bit sad to see September go. While the ending of September was quite marvelous, the month of October has started out amazing! God is doing GREAT things here...Here's a list of all my jumbled thoughts:

1) Tomorrow is going to be AMAZING. Not only tomorrow, but next week. I am just going to go ahead and DECIDE that they will all be AMAZING days. I've found that most of the time works.

2) I twisted my ankle today, I'm hoping Jesus miraculously heals it tonight. I think he will--just sayin.

3) I think I was bitten by about 5 black widows, not really...but kind of.

4) I just ate a banana that was about one day from rotten-ness; I'm glad I rescued it. I am in the mood to watch a movie, but I don't know what to watch. Perhaps MyLifetime.Com has something.

5) I'm in the mood to bake fall-like things. I don't bake; but if I did... I would.

6) I'm offically in the midst of choosing my future. That whole "two roads diverged in a wood" thing that Frost was talking about....yeah, I think it was prophetic for my life. Eh..."that hath made all the difference" the path the poet chose made all the difference in his life. No pressure for me...right?

7 )My vision is getting slightly worse, this bothers me. Yet, if I get glasses I will be more attractive. So says some stupid statistic online. All that would be left to do is get blonde hair and change my eye color to blue. Yeahhh, right.

8) I am one of those people that puts a song on repeat for days. It's not a good thing.

9) I am bitter that I got made fun of (MAJORLY) for liking the song "Dream" by Priscilla Ahn..and now that it was in Bride Wars, everyone likes it. That's just not cool.

10) I think my dog died and that my parents bought a clone to fake me out...she all of a sudden has a different personality. Either that...or they're drugging her.

11) I don't understand those people who think it is necessary to tweet 80 times a day. I don't think that's healthy.

12) I had a lean cuisine and saltines for dinner. That's sad.

13) I started watching season 1 of Saving Grace. I think it's the stupidest show I've ever seen.

14) I want to do something outrageous this week. I haven't figured out what it will be yet, but I'm going to do it....

15) My dad is eating a disgusting sandwich and laying on my bed.....it's hilarious and I think it's banana and mayo. He must've rescued the last banana. Go Dad!

I have fallen in love with fall

Hey friends! I am writing this as I wait for a phone call that will confirm plans for tomorrow and Tuesday. I have been so busy these past couple of days, after this phone call I will no doubt fall into bed and sleep as long as possible. Today, on my drive home from church..the colorful leaves started falling from the tree and the crisp air was streaming through my car and I thought to myself.. "FALL IS HERE!" and I just sat basking in the wonderfulness that is fall. I absolutely love it, because as you all know it is such a sign of change...and that is EXACTLY what is happening in my life right now. I wish I had the time to explain everything, but there are just not enough words and not enough time. God is moving in such amazing ways and I am just truly LOVING it. Although it is not how I had planned, his plans truly are better than mine and I am trusting that! These next few days are going to be SWAMPED. So keep me in your prayers!

love!

Wake Me Up When September Ends

To start off...the season premiere of BONES is tonight. I'm overly excited about this! I just got into BONES a few months ago. On a family trip to the beach, Jordan and I grew bored one afternoon so we made a wal-mart trip...randomly bought the first season of BONES and my obsession began then. I watched one every night (sometimes two or three) for the remainder of the trip and continued watching them when I got home and purchased the second and third seasons. Then I searched until I found all the episodes of season 4 online and watched them. So pretty much...I'm super excited about tonight.
So a lot has happened in the past few weeks that I guess i've failed to update about. I took a beach trip with the youth leadership and that was an interesting experience for me. The trip tested me in a lot of ways and despite the fact that I think I may have failed a few of those tests...some of them I passed and they will not have to be taken again--at least for now. I found myself learning a lot about silence and only speaking what the LORD says. It's my nature to mouth off and say whatever I want or whatever I'm thinking...but the LORD silenced me on that trip and would only let me say the things that he wanted. It was a humbling experience. I realized that about 85% of everything I say is random and only 15% is what really needs to be heard.
As for everything else... my sleep has not been doing well, once again. I hate when I get in these modes. I'm just going to have to pray my way out of it. It seems to be the only remedy to my insomnia.
I've been living in the past a lot lately. There's something about this season and even this particular month of the year that always makes me back track and go into a season of rememberance. September has always been a crucial month in my life..seems that some of the most significant days in my life took place in September. While I am not one to wish my life away--when September rolls around i'm always ready for it to end due to fear that something else crazy will occur. For once i'd like September to represent something GOOD in my life. September this year has been relatively quiet, but it's not over yet. Maybe that's why i've been sleeping so much lately...In the words of Green Day. "Wake Me Up when September Ends."