Ministry

I'm really excited that Christmas is almost here. It comes at a time when the seasons of my life are changing. It couldn't have come at a better time... It's all just starting to make some sense.

I feel like that this past season has been a season of receiving. After spending 16 years with my family in the ministry, the last year of just receiving instead of always giving out was just what the Great Physician ordered. I finally feel the Lord calling me back into that place of ministry again. Thank you Jesus. I have truly missed it more than I'd ever imagined. When you're in the ministry for most of your life it gets very exhausting, very dry and really difficult to keep moving. This time of rest and recoop. has just been a blessing in disguise. While I felt myself growing restless in the past couple of months, I knew it was what God was calling for.

Although this has been a time of revelation, growing and receiving. I can honestly say that I receive more when ministering than when I don't. The reward of seeing the harvest of the seeds you plant ministers to the minister just as much (if not more sometimes) than to the person they're ministering to.

Christmas is an amazing time to minster and so I'm really excited about that. I'm excited to see what God is going to put in front of me to do this holiday season! I love this time of year and I can't wait to see what's in store for this next upcoming year!

"he will be even better...."

So, today I spent my day watching Christmas movies. I watched two that starred Neil Patrick Harris: "The Christmas Blessing" and "The Christmas Wish". Now, I have this hilarious habit of "imdb-ing" every actor in almost every movie I watch. I guess I just want to know more about the people behind the characters. So I'm watching these movies...bawling my little hazel eyes out and thinking to myself "Dear Jesus, please let me have a man like that one day......" but for some reason I just kept hearing.."yours will be even better.. he will be even better" I kept laughing it off thinking "try that one on for size...thats what you call WISHFUL THINKING." Then in my quest of "imdb-ing" Neil Patrick Harris, I discovered a major thing that probably most people know....he's gay. I groaned in agony and vented for about two minutes to myself how all the good ones are gay or old and I need to become a hollywood missionary and get these people in line. Then it hit me. He's one HECK of an actor....I would have NEVER guessed. All of the parts he plays, he plays straight and he's stinkin good at it. But then I thought...aren't we all good actors. There are so many people that we see in our daily lives or that we even know that are SO good at what they are pretending to be. Then I realized that I hope those words "he will be even better" are true. I want someone who isn't a good actor. I want someone who is the worst actor in the world, who cannot hide who they are or what their feeling at all. I want someone that is one of those people that "what you see...is what you get." People like that are so rare these days. Then I realized, I want to be one of those people as well. I want to be a person that is exactly who I portray myself to be... or rather that I always portray myself exactly as I am.

So, will my husband be as good looking as Neil Patrick Harris? Dear Lord, I hope so. But it just goes to show that our defintion of "amazing..or the best.." or our standards or current desires are not always the best. Sometimes, God shows up and allows us to "imdb" someone and see their true colors and who they are. It's then that we realize one day God will bring his perfect will for our lives and to us..."he will be even better....."

Growing, Grace, and Graduation

It's official. I have graduated High School! I never thought I'd see the day! I can't believe how fast time has flown by and that I am no longer considered a child anymore. It's an odd feeling and nothing like what you would expect it to be. Yesterday was the beginning of it all and I honestly feel like suddenly I've been dropped into an entire new role in my life. I'm now required to do things that I was not required to do...It's all a lot more than I can explain through a blog.

I think mostly the hardest part is realizing that I can no longer claim innocence or ignorance to excuse anything. Realizing that was huge for me... I now I have to own up to things a little more, but I know that's something that NEEDS to happen! It's so strange because I am the youngest grandchild on each side of my family and I have now graduated.. I can't believe how old all of us are and how fast time has flown. Looking back, there are a few things I'd do differently, but ultimately I'm at a good place and God is in control and if not for his amazing grace, who knows where i'd be!!

So what's next for the rest of this year? I have no idea. I haven't the slightest clue as to what God wants me to do, but I'm just trusting him. It's the scariest place i've ever been... but I also love it. I love the freedom of just falling into his arms knowing that even if I have to fall for a while, he will inevitably catch me!

Thank you to everyone who has been apart of my life for these past 17 years, I am so blessed to know each of you! I love you all! :)

giving thanks, growing up and getting grace.

Thanksgiving has come and gone. There were so many things to be thankful for this year! God has blessed me and so many wonderful things have been happening. Life hasn't always been easy and it surely has not been all that i thought it would be this year, but i'm learning to be thankful in all circumstances! I think it's safe to say that I am not sure what God is doing in my life and that a lot of unexpected surprises have come my way, but I know he has a plan!!

Thanksgiving day was wonderful. We got to spend time with some of the most wonderful people and I got to see my family which I always enjoy. It was sad that we were lacking certain members this year, but we will surely all be together on Christmas! The food was wonderful this year and it was a great day!! Black Friday was long and tiring. I didn't feel like we found any good deals (except maybe like two) and I didn't get a whole lot of sleep, but oh well. It's fun just to get up and go out into the crazy mess and see what's out there! So i'm glad that we kept up the tradition and went!

As for today, I've just been resting. Tonight has been a quiet night and I've just been basking in my thoughts and feelings. I'm just trying to figure out the next steps and move into the place God has for me.

That's all for now, I will keep you all updated more in the coming days! :)

Hope you all had a blessed Thanksgiving!!!!

Love!

updates on life...

Today was quite the day. Well, tehnically..yesterday was quite the day. It's almost 3 am! But I just had to write and update about some great things.

I made a life altering decision today. Of course, God's will is what will ultimately happen, BUT if all goes as I have planned..then things will be dramatically different in 8 weeks of my life!

I am working on a very intense Christmas present. I have a HUGE fear it will not get finished. But I'm going to work hard. I'm going to push myself to do what I do not want to do! It's for the sake of someone else. Christmas is in fact the giving season. Not just in material, but also in time, effort, and in doing tasks that do not necessarily appeal to you.

I said some things I needed to say. Okay, maybe not... I said some things the WAY they needed to be said. Was it Godly? Probably not. Was it wrong? Probably. Did I regret it? No, not really. Did I repent? Yeah, okay.. I did. The point is, I decided to step up and be what I felt like being at that exact moment. I haven't done that in a LONG time and that is so unlike me. I used to always say what I wanted to..exactly the way I wanted to..at the exact moment I wanted. But lately, that has not been the case.. until tonight. Maybe I didn't do it exactly in the most loving way... but hey, i'm working on it!

I'm super super excited about Thanksgiving and Christmas! These are my two fav. holidays!! Christmas music has somewhat surfaced. Christmas movies...oh, they've definitely surfaced. And holiday cheer is stronger this year than ever before.

God is good. He really is and he is doing so many crazy/weird/cool/so like him things... :)

"I feel a tiny pang of regret, as though I've lost a secret, and then a rush of exaltation: now everything begins."

This blog is going to be one of those that you may not understand exactly everything I am saying, but someday in time all will be revealed.

I don't know if that quote makes any sense to you. But it finally makes sense to me.. I read it the other night and thought to myself "that's a cool quote" and while I got what it was saying, I didn't understand it fully. Last night, I saw that quote in a completely new light. There's something about releasing things you've held back for YEARS into the ears and heart of someone else.. I will not lie there is a TINY pang of regret as if "oh my gosh, i have lost something sacred that only I fully understood." But then theres a sense of .. "now that it IS out..everything can begin." Whatever "everything" may be. I honestly have to say that stronger than the pang of regret comes the excitement and you realize that something in your life is about to change and that regardless of everything works out the way you're thinking... there's a freedom in speaking the truth, there's a freedom in releasing the words that you said you could never say. Thank God, there is beauty in the breakdown. Life is crazy and I can't even tell you what i'm expecting or what God is going to do, I don't know. But I know that he is good. I know that God has not let all of this crazy situation be in vein.

making history!

So i am aware that it's almost 3 am. It's not that i'm not exhausted... I am. I guess I am just thinking of so much. Here's what's up:

to start off..i got an amazing cd from a friend. The artist's name is Mandy Mabes. She's not famous, but oh she should be! Her songs have just been speaking to me so much! Thank you Jesus.

Christmas music started today!!! I had every intention of pulling it out on Nov. 1, but time has not permitted. But it came out today---ah, I love it!

I'm fully loving fall right now. I am loving this "perfect, mellow, messy, leaf kicking, perfect pause between summer and winter." God always teaches me more in this season than ANY other. There's just something about the autumn when he decides to shift my world and teach me some CRAZY and INSANE lesson. This years...is mind boggling, earth shattering and absolutely wonderful.

I've just recently been enlightened to how much i've grown in the last 5 years. I've even had people comment about it. I cannot believe I've gotten to this place..rather, I cannot believe how AMAZING God has been to get me to this place. During the entire thing I was miserable and he had to drag me while I was kicking and screaming, but thankfully he did it despite my protests! Now, I see the whole other side of everything and how absolutely NECESSARY all of it was! I know that we all have those days when we wake up and say--"i wish i would've trusted God more, because it all turned out okay." I am at that place and while all my questions have not been answered and maybe things haven't exactly unfolded completely, I'm finding that things are NOT as they seem. Let me just say, God is making history!

Decisions have still not been made..that have to be made. Honestly, some things are going to HAVE to be taken care of before a decision can be made. The only way for those things to happen is for me to get out of bed and go for it. While there's always a fear of everything coming to the surface and changing.. there's always an excitement that comes as well. The thing is..sunrise and sunset, i'm watching life pass before my eyes. The truth is my friends, I have to get these things worked out so that I can make the decision about the next few years of my life. I'm afraid, yes, but I know that God has a CRAZY/AMAZING plan that is going to make everything i've been through worthwhile! :)

I'd appreciate prayer during this time, but know that God is good and he has you exactly where he wants you and whatever you're going through today, is going to be worth it!

"..and our lives were less than ordinary, but while I couldn't see past tomorrow, God was making history."